


Catharsis (Having It Out)

by Aria_Lerendeair



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Additional Proposals, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Because Alec is Extra like that, Communication, Cuddling, Cuddling & Snuggling, Discussing bad decisions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It for the Lock Destruction, Gloriously Happy Ending, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Talking through their mistakes, The boys talk through their shit, These sappy mofos are gonna be the death of me, discussing the past, sappy boys, supportive husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-09-27 22:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20415118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: After everything, after all of it, Magnus and Alec are happily married, they've gone on a three week honeymoon around the world, and they have both been looking forward to coming home.Part of coming home also means having a conversation that they have been avoiding, and the boys finally sit down to talk about it.  All of it.  Magnus losing his magic, the deal, the breakup, what happened afterward, and how they came out on the other side.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was one of the first ideas I had when I started writing Shadowhunter fic, and now that I'm finally done with it (16,500 words later), I'm excited to see what you all think of it. 
> 
> Because this touches on something I think gets missed at the end of the series - them talking to each other about what happens.

Stepping through the portal and into the loft was coming home. Alec took a deep breath and relaxed, smiling. He’d moved his things in before they’d left to go on their honeymoon and now here he was.  _ Home _ . 

“Alexander?” Magnus said, glancing at him as he moved towards the drink cart. “Are you all right?” 

“Yeah,” Alec said, smiling. “I’m just... _ home. _ ” 

“Ah,” Magnus’ eyes crinkled in understanding. “It’s a good feeling, I hope?” 

“The best,” Alec admitted, moving to Magnus, wrapping his arms around Magnus’ waist, pressing in close as he poured himself a drink. “This,  **you** , are my home now. And I couldn’t be happier about it.” 

Magnus chuckled and finished pouring his drink, adding a cherry to it before turning in Alexander’s arms to look up at him. “And we still have the rest of the day and tomorrow before you go back to work.” 

Alec hummed in agreement. “So we do. How do you propose we spend it?” 

“Well…” Magnus trailed off with a grin. “There’s certainly one way I want to spend the evening, and most of tomorrow. But for right now, I thought maybe we could have that conversation we’ve been putting off.” 

Alec tensed and shut his eyes with a sigh, pressing his face into Magnus’ neck. “Oh. Yeah.  _ That _ .” 

Magnus smiled and put his drink down, reaching up to tuck some of Alec’s hair behind his ear. “Yes, that conversation I’ve been letting you avoid while we’ve been gone.” 

“I wasn’t avoiding it!” Alec protested. When Magnus gave him a knowing look, he sighed and dropped his eyes. “I just didn’t want to, you know, ruin our honeymoon.” 

“Alexander. Look at me,” Magnus ordered, keeping his voice soft. “We need to talk about it. All of it.” 

Alec sighed and tightened his arms around Magnus. “I know.” 

“You also know it isn’t going to change anything,” Magnus added. “I”m still going to be Magnus Lightwood-Bane at the end of it, I’m still going to love you at the end of it, and  _ you  _ are still going to be Alexander Lightwood-Bane, and still love me after it’s over.” 

Alec nodded and met Magnus’ eyes again. Even the thrill of hearing their married names wasn’t enough to keep the dread from sinking deeper and deeper into his stomach. 

Magnus hummed and tangled his fingers into Alec’s hair at the base of his neck. “What are you afraid of, my darling?” 

Alec took a deep breath and pressed their foreheads together. Magnus wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t. He just needed to get over himself and focus. 

“I…” Alec sighed and tried to gather his thoughts. “I don’t want you to feel guilty. Or bad. For what I feel. It’s...I know it’s too much.” 

Magnus tilted his head and leaned up to kiss his husband softly, gently, savoring the touch. “We’ve had this conversation, darling. Too much is my middle name, remember?” 

Alec managed a smile at that, and nodded. “Okay.” He exhaled hard and looked at Magnus again. “Okay. Where do we, uh, start?” 

Magnus hummed. “Good question. Do you want me to start?” 

Alec sighed and stared at Magnus. “Would, is that okay?” 

“Of course,” Magnus said, taking Alec’s hand, his free hand grabbing his drink before bringing him over to the couch. His drink went to the coffee table and he leaned back against the arm of the couch, giving Alexander a firm tug until the shadowhunter was stretched out, mostly on top of him. He wrapped both of his arms around Alec and gave him a minute to get comfortable. 

Alec sagged into Magnus’ arms and took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m ready,” he said firmly, bracing himself. 

Magnus huffed and pressed a kiss to the top of Alec’s head. “We’re not marching into battle, Alexander. You’re here, with me. Relax a little?” 

“Right,” Alec muttered, reaching down to rest one of his hands on top of Magnus’, fiddling with his rings. “I’m sorry. Go ahead.” 

“Okay. So. Obvious spot to start would be the night you planned to propose,” Magnus said with a low exhale. “But I’m going to go a bit earlier. Giving up my magic.” 

Alec tensed, swallowing hard. “You regret it.” 

“I, no,” Magnus said, frowning. “And yes.” He gave Alec a small squeeze, trying to sort through his thoughts. 

“At its basest, did I save Jace because I knew it would also save you? Yes,” Magnus admitted. “I have no regret, and no shame in that decision. Not for a minute.” 

Alec hummed. “There’s a ‘but’ attached to that.” 

“Not quite,” Magnus said. “But I realized I made the decision without a single thought of what it would do to  _ me _ . I don’t regret making the decision. I...I regretted not thinking it through. Would I have made the same choice?” he forced Alec to meet his eyes. “Yes, I would have. But I would have been more prepared for the fallout that happened afterward.” 

Alec sighed and shifted, pressing a kiss to the hand cupping his cheek. 

“As I got older, one of the things I learned was that it was easier to accept terrible things coming if you have time to prepare yourself for them,” Magnus explained. “I lost, in that moment, I lost more than I had ever wanted to, and I was not prepared for it. To say I reacted poorly to that lack of preparation is an understatement.” 

“And I didn’t help with that,” Alec muttered, sighing again, pressing his face to Magnus’ chest. 

“Alexander.” Magnus reached out and combed his fingers through Alec’s hair. “My reactions are not your guilt to carry. It, continued to be thrown in my face over and over again. And then when the transfusion failed…” 

Alec tightened his hand on Magnus’ and sighed. “I, it was torture seeing you like that. Realizing that I’d...I’d been happy while you were falling apart.” 

Magnus huffed out a laugh and looked up at the ceiling. “I wish I could explain to you, how terrified I was, after it failed and I knew, I  _ knew _ I was going to be like that forever.” He took a deep breath. “I was so scared that you were going to leave me.” 

“And then I did,” Alec whispered, clenching his eyes shut. 

“Yes,” Magnus agreed, poking Alexander in the side, trying to bring them both back out of the emotional quagmire, just a little. “But you’re hopping ahead.” 

Alec frowned. “Okay.” 

“I, when Lorenzo demanded my loft as the payment for the transfusion, I would have given up anything, almost anything, to have my magic back,” Magnus swallowed. “To be useful to you, to others, again.” 

“Magnus.” 

“No, no,” Magnus said, giving Alec another poke. “Let me finish. I didn’t mind. It’s a place to live. And I was fine, because I still had you, and I’d have magic. I could build another home.” He blew out a hard breath. “However, a problem was immediately apparent as soon as we finished the transfusion. Lorenzo’s magic felt so  _ wrong, _ Alexander.” 

Alec swallowed hard and took another deep breath. “What do you mean?” 

Magnus sighed. “I knew the transfusion wasn’t going to take after the first day. I tried to ignore it, but I knew, I knew, deep down, the magic rejected me. His magic, it felt like…” Magnus hesitated. “My magic feels like water, rushing through my body at all times. His felt like sand. It hurt, and went against how magic has always felt for me. The only reason I could wield it at all was because of how much I’ve studied magic.” 

“And forcing yourself to use it nearly killed you,” Alec whispered, shifting a little to wrap an arm around Magnus’ waist, kissing his collarbone where he was resting his head. 

“Yes,” Magnus said. “Then I had to face the reality of never using magic again. Of never having it again. And the price I’d paid, something else I’d lost, and I didn’t even get the payment demanded out of it?” He gave a harsh laugh. “Then I made the biggest mistake out of it all.” 

Alec flinched and took a deep breath, pressing closer to Magnus when he was given another hug. “Which was?” 

Magnus shifted and pressed a kiss to Alec’s forehead. “Remember. We’re here.  _ Married _ . I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Alec whispered, leaning into Magnus. If nothing else, he was glad they’d decided to have the conversation pressed together like this. Neither of them could run away. 

Magnus nodded. “My mistake was putting everything else on you. Not blaming you, I’d never blame you for what happened. But I put all of my remaining happiness, all that I could possibly enjoy left in this life, I tied to you.” 

Alec blinked in surprise. “I don’t…” 

“Understand?” Magnus supplied when Alec trailed off. “That is too much pressure for one person to bear, Alexander. To be solely responsible for another person’s happiness? Not only is that unfair to you, it is abusive.” 

“What, no-” 

Magnus chuckled. “Yes, it is. Think of it this way. If we fought, and you walked out, needing to cool your head, and maybe you needed space for a few days? Would you have come back because you wanted to? Or would you have come back because you knew how much I’d lost and that I couldn’t bear to lose you too?” 

Alec fell silent, sighing. “I see your point.” 

“That’s not healthy or sustainable, for any relationship,” Magnus said, shifting so he could rub a hand up and down Alec’s back slowly. “I know that, but I couldn’t stop myself from falling into the trap regardless.” 

“And I….” Alec took a deep breath, knowing it was his turn to talk. He looked up at Magnus. They were going to be all right after this. They were okay. 

“I didn’t know how to feel after you gave up your magic for Jace. On one hand, I was happy, because I had my parabatai back, but the sacrifice it took from you?” Alec exhaled hard, clenching his eyes shut. “I would have given up my runes for you to have your magic back.” 

Magnus hummed and tightened his arms around Alec. 

Alec hesitated. “I knew you were hurting. How could you not be, all things considered? But I couldn’t stop this voice, this voice in the back of my head that was...was quietly glad. That told me I’d get to grow old with you. That I wouldn’t become a burden to you, or, or a memento in your box.” 

“We’re going to talk about that, by the way,” Magnus interrupted. “The box. When we get to it.” 

He couldn’t stop the wince from escaping. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Magnus said, keeping his voice soft. “But you have to understand that a memory of you will not go in that box, Alexander. You are a part of my life in a way that they never were, and never could be.” 

Alec blinked and stared up at Magnus. “I’m...wha?” 

Magnus smiled and kissed Alec on the forehead again. “ _ Later _ . Back to the quietly glad voice you felt guilty about.” 

“Right,” Alec said, clearing his throat. “I, I hated myself for thinking that. Fucking, made me so angry, so upset, because I could see how much you were hurting, and I couldn’t help, I couldn’t do anything! But here’s this small part of me that’s glad, that’s happy, and in the face of your pain…” he clenched his eyes shut and took a shaky breath. “Angels above I hated myself for that.” 

“I know, I could see it,” Magnus said. “And I thought talking to you about how I was feeling would only make it worse.” 

Alec swallowed. “It probably would have, but, I wouldn’t have let you see it. Or I would have tried to keep it hidden.” 

Magnus nodded. 

“When,” Alec sighed. “When you got your magic back, I realized, for the first time, how much it was a part of you. And that when it was gone, you were still you, but it was like you’d lost a limb. I still loved you, no matter what. But I could see what you’d lost.” 

Magnus hummed. “What do you mean?” 

“You,” Alec hesitated. “When you have magic, compared to when you don’t. You, you talked differently, acted differently. Hell, Magnus, you  _ walked _ differently. It wasn’t just confidence, it was a part of you that was so, so, necessary, that being without it was…” 

“Ah,” Magnus whispered. “So that’s where the comment came from.” 

“What comment?” Alec asked, shifting to look at Magnus. 

Magnus smiled down at him. “When your mother came to see me, yes, I’ll tell you about that in a moment, and she saw that I had my magic again, she mentioned that I was whole again. She figured out what had happened before I did.” He gave Alexander a look. “I am guessing that she got that from you?” 

Alec swallowed and broke the contact between their eyes and gave a small nod. 

“Darling,” Magnus whispered. “Remember where we are. It’s okay. We made it here.” 

Alec took another deep breath. “So, when you lost your magic again, and I saw you spiraling, and we had that, that shouting match about how could I still love you, I knew I had to do something.” He paused and looked down at Magnus’ hands, smiling at the sight of the Lightwood family ring. “I couldn’t imagine a better way to convince you I still wanted to spend my life with you, so I decided to propose.” 

“Fuck,” Magnus whispered. “I...after I found out what you’d planned that evening…” 

Alec reached up, wiping a tear off Magnus’ cheek. “Hey. Look at me.” When golden eyes blinked at him, he smiled. “If I’m not allowed to beat myself up over what we just talked about, you are  _ not _ allowed to feel guilty about that night.” 

Magnus swallowed hard. “Okay,” he whispered. 

“Tell me what happened before you came home,” Alec said, lifting Magnus’ hand to press a kiss to it. “I knew you were depressed and upset, but something would have...have made you want to get that drunk.” 

“Catarina,” Magnus managed. “She…” he took a deep breath and let it out. “She took me to her place, to try, to try to get me to talk, I think. Or check on me. Or both.” 

“Ah,” Alec said quietly. 

“Of course,” Magnus continued. “After going through the normal pleasantries, we both had a horrifying moment of realization. She, now that Ragnor is gone, is my oldest living friend, and she was going to watch me die over the next several decades.” 

Alec winced. “Fuck.” 

“Right,” Magnus agreed. “So, I proceeded to leave Catarina’s house, rather than face that realization for both of us, and drank anything I could get my hands on, on the way home.” 

Alec took a deep breath. “And then…?” 

“Then I showed up drunk, yelled at you, made you unhappy, upset and angry. Then I proceeded to pass out for fifteen hours, starting a chain of events that, while horrible, did lead to our eventual wedding and subsequent honeymoon!” Magnus waved a hand. “Sums it up, right?” 

“It does,” Alec agreed. “But I think we need to talk about that night. Especially some of the stuff...uh, said.” 

“Fuck,” Magnus breathed, closing his eyes. “I was so cruel to you. Here you were, trying to help, and I just…” 

“Hey,” Alec interrupted. “Don’t. We’ve each had our times doing horrible things. We made it through each of them.” 

Magnus sighed and relaxed when he felt Alec brushing away the tears rolling slowly down his cheeks. 

“I’m right here,” Alec whispered. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.” He looked at the couch and then back to Magnus. “But we’re going to switch. I think we need to for this next part.” 

Magnus didn’t bother protesting when Alec pulled him up and off the couch, only for him to settle back down in the same spot he’d just been occupying. “How do you want me?” 

Alec tugged Magnus into his lap, wrapping his arms around his waist, and guiding Magnus’ head to his shoulder. “Right here,” he whispered. “Where you belong, in my arms.” 

Magnus gave a wet chuckle and pressed his lips to Alexander’s deflect rune. “Perfect.” 

Alec let the silence stretch on for a few minutes before quietly prompting Magnus. “Whenever you’re ready.” 

“I didn’t want to feel anything, anymore,” Magnus whispered. “Every time I did, the hurt, the fear, all of it came back and it was worse than the time before. Everything was different, and  _ everything  _ was a reminder.” He shuddered and pressed his face against Alec’s neck, a few tears escaping. 

“I knew you’d leave me. I was convinced that you were only staying with me because of what I’d done for you. And when you realized I couldn’t do anything more for you, you’d leave,” Magnus continued, swallowing hard. “So I drank, because, fuck. It hurt. Everything hurt.” 

Alec breathed out hard and tightened his arms around Magnus, pressing his face towards soft hair. “We made it through,” he whispered. “We’re on the other side now. I’m here, and I love you.” 

Magnus pulled his mouth away from Alec’s neck long enough to keep talking. “A recurring nightmare I have…” his shoulders shook for a moment before he forced them to steady. “Is that after I say, after I say that you’ve always wanted me to be a mundane, instead of saying you want me to be happy, you, fuck, you agree and I just…” 

“But I didn’t say that,” Alec whispered, rubbing Magnus’ back in slow, broad strokes, just like Magnus had done for him. “Because it’s not true. It’s  _ never _ been true and never  _ will _ be true.” 

“Do you know,” Magnus whispered, looking at the ring on his finger. “After I banished my father, I broke down and cried? Because I knew what I’d ruined that night. What I’d lost, because it was more than just you. I’d lost a future I actually wanted to live to see.” He pushed himself up and out of Alec’s arms, pacing across the loft. “I made you think you weren’t enough! That you aren’t always,  _ always _ enough!” 

Alec swallowed and stood up slowly, watching Magnus pace. “This has been eating at you, hasn’t it?” 

Magnus stopped mid-stride and froze in the middle of the room, looking at Alec. “I have made that rather obvious, I suppose.” 

Stopping in front of Magnus, Alec reached out and wiped away a tear with his thumb. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Magnus took a deep breath. “Because I thought that this, this didn’t…” He glanced up at Alexander. “Because I have you, now. This shouldn’t still hurt.” 

Alec wrapped one arm around Magnus’ waist, pulling him in close, pressing their foreheads together. “Magnus. We’re married now. That doesn’t mean that the journey we took to get here is erased. If this still hurts, then we’re going to talk about it.” 

Magnus huffed. “When did you get so wise?” 

“Perks of having an immortal boyfriend,” Alec shot back, kissing Magnus’ temple. “You pick some stuff up here and there.” He rocked Magnus carefully in his arms before tugging him towards the kitchen. “I’m going to get us both cups of tea, and if we feel like talking more, we will, okay?” 

Magnus nodded and kept himself pressed against Alec as he got them both tea, waving his fingers to magically heat up the glasses, even as Alec gave him an exasperated look. 

He watched their tea steep on the counter, leaning into Alec’s arm that was wrapped around his shoulders. “I don’t know if I will ever stop hating myself for telling you I wasn’t happy, and that I...likely never would be, like that. That wasn’t fair to you. And on the night you’d planned to propose...I can’t imagine how much that hurt you.” 

Alec breathed out slowly. “That...that was the moment I played over and over in my head when I went to Asmodeus. When I agreed to his deal.” He finished making their mugs and offered Magnus his, leading him back to the living room. He put his mug down on the table and was about to ask Magnus how he wanted to sit when he found Magnus looking at him. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continues immediately after last chapter - should be read as on-going.

“Want me to human pillow again?” 

Magnus nodded. “Please?” 

Alec stretched out and opened his arms, glad when Magnus sank into them, curling into him once again. “You scared me that night,” he whispered. “I realized I wasn’t enough, to, to hold you together. You needed more than just me. You needed your magic. I remember not letting you walk away, you trying to fight me before you started…” he stumbled, reaching up to rub at his eyes. 

“Before I fell apart?” Magnus offered. 

“It was the first time I saw you mourn what you’d lost. Truly mourn your magic, your life, all of it,” Alec whispered. “You hadn’t let me see it, before that moment. And all I could think was that I couldn’t help you, but I would find you a way to get your magic back, no matter what it cost.” 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispered, closing his eyes as he leaned against Alexander. “I’m sorry for ruining that evening. I’m sorry for how badly I hurt you. For making you think you, you weren’t enough.” 

Alec smiled faintly against Magnus’ hair. “You’re forgiven, Magnus.” He felt Magnus shudder in his arms, and repeated it, quietly, firmly. “You’re  _ forgiven _ . I promise it is all right. I love you.” 

Magnus clenched his eyes shut, breathing in, trying to take those words in as a balm to his soul. “I love you too, Alexander.” 

They were silent for several long moments before Alec exhaled hard and reached out to grab his mug of tea, taking a sip of it before resuming the slow rubbing of Magnus’ back. 

“You know, I hadn’t really thought about it,” Alec offered quietly. “How  _ much _ we’ve gone through the past month. There’s been so much and we didn’t stop to, you know, talk about it.” 

Magnus hummed. “At first I thought you were ignoring it. And I suppose we both were in a way. But then I realized you were afraid of it. Different matter all together.” 

“Yeah,” Alec agreed softly. He blew out a hard breath and tightened his arms around Magnus in a brief hug. 

Magnus let the silence stretch before he huffed. “All right, come on. Your turn. I apologized, told you I would be depressed forever and then broke down.” 

Alec breathed out slowly. “I, I had to change gears so quickly, I don’t even know how I was feeling when, when everything happened.” He pressed a kiss to Magnus’ temple and took another deep breath. 

“The mundane comment was a punch to the chest,” Alec admitted, his voice going hoarse. “Then the way you said you weren’t happy, that you might not be able to be happy, fuck.” He paused, blinking hard to stop the tears. 

“I had to  _ do  _ something. In a way, you, you falling apart helped me keep it together in the moment.” Alec swallowed. “I’m, I’m used to that. Being the one who holds it together, for, for Jace and Izzy and…” 

Alec closed his eyes, nuzzling into Magnus’ hair. “After that, I just kinda, didn’t bother to think about how I wasn’t enough. Instead I went after a fix. I needed a solution, and there was only one creature I could get it from.” 

Magnus tensed. “Do you…” he paused. “Do you still think that, Alexander?” 

Alec frowned. “That’s not the right question. Especially considering what you said earlier about only one thing making you happy. Do I think that I alone can make you happy? No, no I don’t.” 

Magnus winced and sighed, leaning back against Alec. “Alexander…” 

“Hear me out,” Alec said. “It wasn’t healthy of me to think that either. I was, uh. Doing what you were. Just the opposite.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean,” Alec paused. “You said it wasn’t healthy for you to put all your possibility for happiness on me, right?” 

Magnus nodded, sighing softly. “Yes.” 

“Well, then my feeling guilty about not being enough for you falls under the same umbrella,” Alec said, frowning as he tried to sort out his thoughts. “Like, many things make you happy, Magnus. Am I responsible for your romantic happiness?” Alec grinned and kissed Magnus’ cheek. “Yes, and I am happy to assume that responsibility.” 

Magnus relaxed into the soft kiss. “Good. I’m not planning to give it to anyone else.” 

“ _ Good _ ,” Alec growled, his voice playful. “But that also means that I shouldn’t put the burden of being  _ enough _ to replace all of the things you lost at the time, on myself.” 

Magnus blinked and lifted his head to look at Alexander incredulously. “Did you figure that out just now?” 

Alec shrugged. “Yeah. Didn’t occur to me until you said the thing earlier about abuse.” He watched Magnus’ face flick through several emotions quickly before settling on surprise, with a soft smile. 

Magnus shook his head. “You continue to surprise me, Alexander.” 

Alec couldn’t help the grin. “In good ways I hope?” 

“The best ways,” Magnus promised him, waving his fingers to summon his tea, taking a long sip of it. 

Alec leaned in to nuzzle Magnus’ neck slowly, pressing soft kisses to it. “You doing okay?” 

“It’s...helping?” Magnus offered. “Talking about all of it.” 

Alec nodded and smiled against Magnus’ skin. “Want to stop for the night?” 

“No,” Magnus said, after a minute of consideration. “We need to finish this tonight. Then we have tomorrow to ourselves. The second we go back…” 

“Life happens,” Alec supplied. “Okay. If you need to stop, let me know.” 

Magnus nodded. “Same to you, Alexander.” 

“Right,” Alec breathed out. “Okay, so the very first thing you need to know is that I didn’t go into talking to him, uh, Asmodeus, with a plan. I wanted your magic back, and I was going to get it.” 

Magnus chuckled, closing his eyes, pressing his palm to Alec’s heart. “I’m sure he found you amusing. And not in a good way.” 

Alec closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch, keeping his arm tight around Magnus. “He...I don’t even know.” 

Magnus made a small noise, tangling his fingers in Alec’s shirt. 

“He told me you’d regret giving your magic up for Jace. And eventually you’d come to hate me, as a result,” Alec said, breathing out hard. “And after dinner, fuck, I couldn’t help but believe that, in some small way.” 

“I could never hate you, Alexander,” Magnus whispered. “You know that, right?” 

Alec nodded. “I do. I do know that,” he added, his voice firm. “I, uh,” he sighed. “I made the mistake of telling him what happened the night before. So he knew what to say to, to get to me.” 

Magnus hummed and rubbed his hand up and down Alec’s arm, offering what comfort he could. 

“Looking back at it,” Alec said, thinking about it. “He manipulated me so easily.” He gave a frustrated growl. “Fuck. I made it so easy for him.” 

“He did it to me for years. I understand,” Magnus offered up. 

Alec sighed. “So he made his offer. I break your heart, and don’t tell you, and you get your magic back.” When Magnus didn’t respond, Alec bit down on his lip and then forced himself to push the rest of the words out. 

“And, fuck. I didn’t know what to do. It, that was the one thing I wasn’t willing to give him, but…” Alec trailed off, thinking of his conversation with Izzy, and with Jace. “But you were so  _ unhappy _ . And you were never going to  _ be _ happy. I had to do something.” 

“Did you ever think about telling me?” Magnus asked. 

“Every minute of the day I spent debating it.” 

Magnus tilted his head to look up at Alec, at the way his face was twisted in anguish. He reached out and took his hand, pressing a kiss to his fingertips. “Why didn’t you?” 

“I…” Alec licked his lips and sighed. “I didn’t want to risk nullifying the deal. If, if I decided to, to do it.” 

“Ah.” 

It felt like he was swallowing around a lump in his throat. “I talked to Jace, if, if he could do something like this. He said he couldn’t. That he wouldn’t be able to. He was too selfish.” 

When Magnus didn’t add anything, Alec kept talking, another tear escaping down his cheek. “Isabelle, I told. I told her that I’d wanted to propose, what happened, and that I went to Asmodeus.” He exhaled hard and reached up to rub at his eyes. 

“You would have been so proud of Izzy, Magnus. Her first reaction was asking if I was even considering it. And then, telling me it wasn’t what you would want, because of how much you loved me,” Alec stumbled to a stop and exhaled hard, shakily. “And I...I couldn’t stop thinking of you accusing me of wanting you to be a mundane. Of saying you weren’t happy, that you would never be happy again.” 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Magnus whispered, tangling his fingers in Alec’s shirt. 

“I told her,” Alec whispered. “I told her that I wasn’t the first person you’d loved, and I wouldn’t be the last. And that, breaking up would hurt like hell, but you’d recover.” 

“Implying that you wouldn’t?” 

Alec flinched. “Nephilim love once. I told you I believe that, and I do. I was…” he swallowed. “I was willing, more than willing, to give that, you, up. It didn’t matter, as long as, as long as you could be happy.” 

Magnus exhaled hard and untangled his fingers from Alec’s shirt, reaching out to take his hand, bringing it up to his lips. “Time to talk about the box then, I think.” 

“I...do we have to?” Alec whispered. “I, I know. I’ll-“ 

“Alexander,” Magnus interrupted. “I need you to understand something about the box.” He took a deep breath. “People I’ve loved, I keep mementos. They’ve impacted my life in some way and I want to remember that.” 

Alec nodded, swallowing hard. 

“You,” Magnus whispered, lifting Alec’s hand to press a kiss to his Lightwood ring. “Are never going to go in the box. Because...you’re more. You’re so much  _ more _ than that.” 

Magnus sighed and curled back into Alec, nuzzling into his neck. “When I first met Ragnor, I’d recently had my heart broken. We talked about marriage, and he gave me a piece of advice that I have held onto to this day.” 

“Mmm?” Alec prompted, kissing the top of Magnus’ head again. 

“He told me that I should fall in love as often as I can. That it would help keep my heart here. Keep it from calcifying,” Magnus swallowed. “But marriage, he told me that I needed to save that.” 

Alec blinked in surprise. “Save it? For?” 

Magnus smiled. “Falling in love is sometimes not something we can control. It happens despite our best intentions. Marriage? Marrying someone? That I can always control, and he told me to wait until I found someone that…”

Magnus trailed off and looked up at Alec, clearing his throat. “That I should only marry someone if I pictured forever with them. An actual forever.” He felt Alec tense under him and continued. “I had never met anyone, or loved anyone enough, to want to share  ** _my_ ** forever with them. Until you, Alexander.” 

“So you…” Alec swallowed, clenching his eyes shut. “Fuck, Magnus.” 

“So understand, Alexander. I love you, with all of my heart. Stop comparing yourself to others I’ve loved. It’s  _ you _ I chose to marry. It’s  _ your _ name I will now share forever, it’s  _ your _ ring that will always remain on my finger.  _ You _ are my choice, and no one else, in my life, no matter how long it is, will ever have that distinction.” 

Alec was certain that his heart was going to jump out of his chest and into Magnus’ hands. “You, you…” 

“Me, me,” Magnus teased, kissing Alexander’s cheek. “Do you understand now? Why you have nothing to fear from the ghosts of the past, or the possibilities of the future?” 

Alec waved a hand impatiently. “No, not that. Do you…” he swallowed and stared at Magnus, at the confusion in his face. “You want forever with me? Your forever?” 

Magnus blinked and a small, sad sigh left him. “Of course I do, Alexander. Obviously, I will have to make due with the time we have, and cherish it, since-mmmfh!”

Alec yanked Magnus into a kiss, swallowing the noise of surprise that escaped, kissing him until they were melting together, trading deeper kisses every few seconds. By the time their lips fell apart, they were both panting quietly. 

“I’ll find a way,” Alec promised, his eyes intent on Magnus’. “I don’t care what it takes. I’ll find a way to stay. I told you, when I found you in Edom. I’m never leaving you again.” 

Magnus swallowed hard. “Alec, this isn’t something you can just-“ 

“No,” Alec growled, meeting Magnus’ eyes, savoring the golden glow. “You don’t understand. I already  _ know _ , Magnus. I’d made the decision before I even went to Edom.” 

Magnus huffed and stared at him. “Apparently we need to talk about  _ that _ , too.” 

“We’ll get there,” Alec said, giddy happiness running through his chest. Magnus wanted forever with him.  _ Him. _

Magnus smiled and gave him a gentle push to his chest. “On that note, I want to get food before we continue.” 

Alec blew out a breath and stood up off the couch, stretching. “What are you hungry for?” 

Magnus turned and looked at Alec, eyeing him up and down with a grin. “Well, I’ll save that for desert. For now, Indian?” 

Alec snorted and grinned. “Sounds great. My usual?” 

Magnus waved his hand. “Coming right up!” 

The break in heavy conversation was welcome, and Alec enjoyed sharing food with Magnus, stealing some of his food, grinning at the indignant look. 

“I’ll make you pay for that,” Magnus growled, yanking the box away from Alec, pinning him back to the couch, straddling him. 

Alec laughed, reaching up to pull him down into a deep kiss, the tension from earlier bleeding out of him as they kissed slowly, languidly. It was the same type of kiss they’d shared hundreds of times over the past three weeks, all around the world. It was good to ground him in the here and now. 

“Mmmm, tempting me to bring you to bed Alexander,” Magnus purred, sucking on Alec’s lower lip to watch him gasp. 

“Good, my plan is working,” Alec said, trying to tug Magnus in again. 

Magnus hummed and kissed Alec softly. “If I managed to get through talking about how guilty I am for ruining your planned proposal, you can manage to talk about breaking up with me, darling.” 

Alec winced and let his head fall back. “ _ Fuck _ .” 

Magnus reached up and gently traced a finger down Alec’s deflect rune. When Alec didn’t say anything, despite clearly trying, Magnus gave him a small nudge. “You made the decision in less than a day. Was it that easy?” 

Alec swallowed and let his mouth fall open, clenching his eyes shut. “No, fuck, of course not. It was the opposite of easy.” He took a deep, steadying breath and reminded himself that Magnus was here, in his arms. 

“I’ve never felt more ashamed of myself. I...I told myself,” Alec swallowed, tears leaking from his eyes. “That it was for you. That you’d be okay. And even then…” Alec trailed off, wiping angrily at his eyes. “I had to make it work, for you. And even still,” he gave a wet laugh. “You nearly saw right fucking through it. Saying I wasn’t that selfish.” 

Magnus held onto Alec as tightly as he could, using his free hand to wipe the tears off Alec’s cheeks. 

“I wanted you to figure it out,” Alec whispered. “I wanted you to realize what I was doing, and make me stop. And then you,” his voice broke and he struggled for a moment, tears streaming more steadily down his cheeks. “You kissed me and begged me to stay. I...fuck.” 

Alec bit down on his lower lip. “I don’t know where I found the strength to step away. It felt wrong in every possible way. I couldn’t look at you, couldn’t look you in the eye or I wouldn’t be able to do it.” A small sob escaped him and he felt Magnus’ hand still on his cheek. That only made the tears come harder. “Fuck, Magnus, and I left you standing there.  _ Alone _ !” 

Magnus swallowed. It hurt to think about, let alone remember. The knowledge that he’d lost everything. That it had been his doing, or so he’d thought at the time, and to have that reality come crashing down on him. 

“I’m so sorry,” Alec whispered, hiding his face in Magnus’ hair. “Magnus I’m so sorry. I hate myself for having done that to you, for leaving you when I promised not to, I’m sorry, fuck, I’m sorry.” 

“Alexander,” Magnus whispered. “You’re forgiven.” He felt Alec shudder and muffle a sob against his hair. “It’s all right my darling. You’re forgiven. I love you.” 

Alec swallowed, trying to take a deep breath, his shoulders still shaking. “Magnus, I don’t-” 

“Hey,” Magnus interrupted, pressing a finger to Alec’s lips. Wet hazel eyes met his after a long pause and Magnus offered him a smile, leaning in for a soft kiss. “Will you tell me where you went?” 

“I ran,” Alec said quietly. “If I hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have been able to, to stay away from you.” A harsh swallow. “I ran until I collapsed. Used rune after rune, until I collapsed at some place by the docks and I watched the sun rise. And I…” he looked down at his hands, at the faint scars on his knuckles. 

“Mmmhmm?” Magnus prompted, reaching out to take one of Alec’s hands, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. 

Alec swallowed, clenching his eyes shut. “I cried until I didn’t feel anything anymore. I punched the...the ground, until it took four separate iratze’s to heal the bruises.” A small, shallow breath was all he could manage. “I hated myself for it. I still hate myself for it. For what I did to you.” 

“You have to let go of that hate, Alexander,” Magnus said. “I’m here. You’re here. It’s okay. We’re okay.” 

“Are we?” Alec asked, his voice desperate. He lifted his head to stare at Magnus, tears still shining in his eyes. “Are we really okay? Can you honestly say you don’t... _ fuck _ , that you don’t hate me for what I did?” 

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood-Bane,” Magnus growled, grabbing Alec’s chin, forcing their eyes to meet. “I have never hated you a day in my life. I was devastated, yes, but I blamed myself. Not you.” 

Alec stared at Magnus, his heart pounding. “I, fuck, I’m so  _ sorry _ .” 

Magnus huffed and leaned in to kiss Alexander. “I told you,” he whispered against Alec’s lips. “You’re forgiven. I understood. How could I not, my darling? You made the same sacrifice for me that I had for you. How could that do anything other than make me love you even more?” 

“I…” Alec tightened his hold on Magnus, blinking hard. He knew he was starting to shake, barely holding it together as he clenched his hands in Magnus’ shirt. 

“Is this what you were afraid of, Alexander?” Magnus asked, keeping his voice soft, reaching up to comb his fingers through Alec’s hair. “Talking about this?” 

Alec tensed and clenched his eyes shut. “I…” he paused and nodded. “We, when I saw you again, we were in Alicante, with, with everything. And then you went to Edom. And then I went after you, and then we were home and getting married and-“ 

“And,” Magnus finished for him. “You are afraid I am still upset and angry about this?” 

Alec nodded again, swallowing hard. “Y-you should be. I, I made you think I didn’t love you anymore. I left you homeless, I abandoned you! I shouldn’t, you shouldn’t-“ 

“Alexander,” Magnus interrupted, his voice firm. “What did I tell you when I came to Alicante? What did I say to you?” He gave a brief smile. “Before you cut me off with a kiss?” 

Alec paused, staring at him. “You, you said you knew about the deal. That you...understood.” 

“Because I do,” Magnus whispered. “Alexander. I  _ understand _ . It’s okay, my darling. I promise it’s okay. You don’t have to carry this guilt with you.” 

Alec exhaled hard, continuing to cling to Magnus. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m never leaving you again.” 

“I know,” Magnus whispered, flexing his fingers to massage Alec’s scalp. “I love you, Alexander.” 

“I love you too,” Alec whispered. 

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter ahead - settle in folks! 
> 
> As before, continues DIRECTLY from the last chapter.

Magnus blew out a hard breath and gave them both several minutes of sitting together, savoring the quiet, before he broke the silence. 

“We’ll talk about my side of that another time,” Magnus stated, his voice soft. He wasn’t about to put more guilt on Alexander like this. 

“That’s not fair,” Alec said with a huff. “You need-"

“I need,” Magnus said with a smile. “to take care of my husband and that includes recognizing when he can or can’t handle something.” 

Alec gave Magnus a look. “Magnus…” 

Magnus smiled and shifted to rest his head against Alec’s heart, listening to it beat. “It’s okay, Alexander, I promise.” 

Alec took a deep breath, nuzzling into Magnus. “You need to talk about it. There’s so much I don’t know that I want to. How’d, how’d you get the ring? When did you talk to Mom? How did you even know to come to Alicante?”

Magnus exhaled hard and settled more carefully into Alexander. “I don’t want you to carry about the guilt of...this.” He gave a vague hand wave. 

“I can’t promise I won’t feel guilty,” Alec whispered. “But I do not want you to hide how you feel from me. That’s the one thing I have never wanted you to do.” 

“All right,” Magus said, closing his eyes. He reached up and pressed a hand to Alec’s heart. “Don’t, please don’t be mad at me.” 

“I’m not going to be angry at you,” Alec promised. “No matter what, Magnus.” 

“_After_,” Magnus’ voice broke for an instant and he was glad when Alec’s arms tightened around him, reminding him where he was. “After you left, I don’t know how long I stood there. It might have been hours. I don’t know. I closed up the shop, because I realized…” he breathed out slowly. “I couldn’t go back to the Institute. You were there.” 

Alec sucked in a pained breath. He’d not only broken Magnus’ heart, he’d left him homeless and alone. 

“And uh,” Magnus swallowed. “I’d had this plan, you know. To apologize for, for what happened. Quitting drinking, setting up the dinner again, just, making it up to you.” He gently traced a design over Alec’s heart. “But I’d been too late.” 

A wince escaped before he could stop it and Alec rubbed his hands up and down Magnus’ arms, slowly, comforting him as much as he could. 

“I wandered the city,” Magnus admitted, his voice stumbling. “The problem with wandering the city though? We were everywhere. I couldn’t walk anywhere without seeing you, seeing  _ us _ . I…I couldn’t escape it.” 

Alec took another deep breath and nodded. “Yeah.” 

Magnus exhaled hard. “Eventually, I ran into my Father.” He looked up at the ceiling. “He had to give me my magic as a part of your deal after all.” 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Alec flinched, sucking in a hard breath. “I’m sorry.” 

Magnus gave one of Alec’s arms a firm pat, not allowing him to think about it for more than a moment before he continued. “He gave it back. My magic. But whenever he did things like that, I knew there was always a price. I ran.” Magnus clenched his eyes shut. “It didn’t occur to me to realize I’d already paid it.” 

Magnus took another deep breath and breathed out slowly, remembering the fire message to Brother Zachariah, how desperate he’d felt, how much deeper the pain had been with his magic to amplify it. 

“I…” Magnus glanced up at Alexander. “I summoned Brother Zachariah.” 

Alec blinked and tilted his head. “One of the Silent Brothers? Why?” 

“We have a long history together,” Magnus said. “He owed me a favor, and I needed something.” 

Dread settled low into his stomach, but Alec couldn’t keep the question in, even if he tried. “What did you need?” 

“I asked him…” Magnus paused, blinking hard. “I asked him to remove all of my memories of you.” 

Alec prevented the shout of protest not a moment too soon, remembering what he had said to Magnus. He had promised not to be angry. He licked his lips and nodded, leaning into Magnus, reminding him that he was there. 

“I was foolish, and I was hurting so badly,” Magnus whispered. “Not even, not even my magic could fill the hole you had left in my heart.” 

This time Alec couldn’t prevent the small whimper that escaped him, his lips shaking a little as he held onto Magnus. 

“He,” Magnus shook his head, remembering the sound of his voice, the one he hadn’t heard in more than a century. “He refused. Told me I could have done it myself, if I really wanted to. That I had the magic, but I couldn’t, because I didn’t have the will - I would have regretted it.” 

All Alec could do was listen and hold onto Magnus. They’d come so close to losing each other forever, the fact that they’d made it here, where they were, was a miracle in and of itself. But they’d made it. And that’s what they needed to remember. 

Magnus shivered a little and tried to burrow into Alec’s chest, clenching his hand in the fabric of his shirt. “I  _ tried _ , Alexander. I couldn’t do it, but I tried. I couldn’t, I couldn’t remember how happy we’d been and how I’d lost it.” 

He didn’t know how long it was before he started talking again. “Ragnor told me, once. I’d find love again, and when it was a love that tore down my walls, I had to do everything in my power to fight for it. I…” Magnus stumbled before he kept talking. “I thought I’d failed. I’d found that love, and I hadn’t been strong enough, hadn’t been enough to keep it.” 

Alec sucked in a pained breath, pressing his lips to Magnus’ forehead. “We both fought for it. And we made it here, Magnus.” 

Magnus nodded, his eyes far away as he kept talking. “Warlock magic responds to emotions, and mine were, far from steady. My Father found me again. Proceeded to convince me to take my loft back. By force. Lilith wasn’t a match for the two of us, how could Lorenzo ever be?” 

“He, he,” Magnus growled in frustration, remembering how easily he’d been manipulated by Asmodeus. “Convinced me to return to Edom. That there was nothing for me, here, now, with you gone. I agreed.” He looked down at his fingers, remembering that morning, and everything that had happened. 

“We took my Loft back. Asmodeus turned Lorenzo into an iguana. Told me I must have wanted it to happen because I didn’t try to stop him,” Magnus swallowed hard. “Then he spent time telling me how it would be wonderful to have me home. I knew…” he trailed off. “I knew it wasn’t true, that he wanted me for my power, but at least  _ someone _ wanted me.” 

Alec bit down on his lower lip until he tasted blood. “I want you forever,” he whispered into Magnus’ hair, a soft reminder of the here and now. 

“And then,” Magnus trailed off and laughed, this time one of relief, shifting to look Alec in the eye. “You must have given the ring back to your mother, that morning.” 

Alec breathed out slowly. “I, yeah. She was, she was stunned. She didn’t know why. I told her, I told her it was so you could be whole again.” 

Magnus hummed. “I laughed, because she came straight to Lorenzo, to find me, to ask me what happened. Why you’d broken up with me.” 

Horror curled in his stomach. “She  _ didn’t _ ,” he whispered. 

“She did. And with my father standing in my apartment, I talked to her in the hallway. Closing the door to my loft with my magic told her everything she needed,” Magnus added, a smile growing in his voice. He pressed a kiss to Alexander’s chest, nuzzling his heart. 

Alec blinked. “She figured it out? That quickly?” 

Magnus nodded. “Yes. She told me I was whole again, and when I snapped back at her, she…” he looked up at Alexander. “We owe her a lifetime of thank you presents.” 

“I’m gathering that,” Alec said, pressing a kiss to Magnus’ forehead. “Keep going?” 

“She said that despite what you might have said, you loved me too. Showed me the ring, explained what it meant. What you’d planned to do.” Magnus stopped for a second and shook his head. “Your mother was incredible. I still didn’t understand. She knew you so well. I asked her why you’d broken my heart if you’d intended...intended to propose.” 

Alec swallowed hard. “I still have the speech I’d memorized, that I was planning to give you. Even made Jace listen to it.” 

Magnus smiled and shifted enough to kiss Alec, long and slow, leaning into him, savoring the slow glide of their lips. “I’d love to hear it, Alexander.” 

“Later,” Alec promised. “She answered your question, I’m guessing?” 

“Mmmhmmm,” Magnus agreed. “She asked me exactly when I had gotten my magic back. That’s when I realized what you’d done. What Asmodeus had done to us both.” He chuckled again and looked at the deflect rune on Alec’s neck. “I was angry that I hadn’t put the puzzle pieces together.” 

“Maybe,” Alec offered, his voice low. “Maybe that’s why you couldn’t erase your own memories. You knew something wasn’t wrong, even if you didn’t know exactly what.” 

“I couldn’t erase my memories of you because, no matter how much pain I was in, I knew I would never want to forget you and the impact you’ve made on my life, Alexander. You changed me, for the better,” Magnus admitted, shifting so he could wrap an arm around Alec’s shoulders. 

Silence grew between them and Magnus relaxed, taking a few minutes to savor the drop in tension between the both of them. “You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Alec managed. “Besides. We’re almost caught up.” 

Magnus chuckled. “Still have a bit to go, I think.” 

Alec nodded and reached up, combing fingers through Magnus’ hair. “For the record? I don’t regret your proposal for a second, but mine would have been way less heartbreaking.” 

This time a laugh burst out before he could stop it. “Alexander!” 

It was a relief to hear Magnus laugh so unabashedly after everything they’d discussed. “You’ll see. I’ll give you the whole speech, you can laugh at me with how much I stutter-” 

“We’re married!” Magnus protested with another chuckle. “What is there to be nervous about?” 

“I’m telling the person I love most in the entire world how much I love them. I’ll be nervous if I want to, thank you,” Alec said primly, pressing another kiss to Magnus’ forehead. “Did Mom give you the ring?” 

Magnus chuckled again and nodded. “She did. Grabbed my hand, gave it to me and then told me…” he paused, looking up at Alec. 

“What?” 

Magnus smiled, his eyes warm. “She told me welcome to the family. And to go get you back.” 

Alec’s breath caught and he took a deep, shaky breath. “You’re right. Lifetime of thank you presents.” He reached out and took Magnus’ hand in his and gave it a squeeze, leaning down to press a kiss to the ring. 

“Then,” Magnus’ voice fell and he exhaled hard, closing his eyes. He knew he’d tensed when Alec held onto him tighter, clearly worried. “I went back into the loft. My father was mixing himself a drink. Just like that, all I could feel, all I was, was anger.” 

Alec nodded, keeping his arms around Magnus, holding him close. 

“He even said it, when we were talking,” Magnus went on, his eyes distant. “Anger, is in our blood after all,” he mocked. “He, he dismissed you wanting to marry me, after I said I’d found out about the deal. He brushed it aside like it meant  _ nothing _ .” 

Alec carefully rubbed a hand over Magnus’ back. 

Magnus breathed out, exhaling hard. “I’d only ever felt my magic like that once before. Where anger became _absolutely_ everything. When I was a child, with my step-father...” He tensed and forced himself to keep going. “He kept trying to convince me to go back to Edom. Telling me how much stronger I’d be. How we could rule the entire demonic plane together.” 

“He knew you wouldn’t go,” Alec said, his voice quiet. 

“Maybe,” Magnus agreed. “But when I threatened to banish him back, he just said he’d keep coming back for me. To us. We’d never be free of him if I didn’t do something.” He closed his eyes, exhaling hard, remembering how it had been almost too easy, all of his anger channeled at his father. “So I did.” 

Alec hummed, curious. He knew Magnus had taken care of Asmodeus, but he hadn’t bothered to ask the details. “You told me that in Alicante. What did you do to him? Kill him? Give him to Lilith?” 

Magnus shook his head and pressed his ear to Alec’s heart again, listening to it beat, slow and steady, comfortable. “Do you know what happens when you enter a portal unconscious?” The words made his skin crawl, and he was glad when Alec tightened his arms around him. 

“No,” Alec started. “But I imagine it isn’t good. You can’t direct yourself.” 

“Correct,” Magnus said. “It traps you in limbo. Forever, with no way out.” He paused, glad when Alec didn’t add anything. “So that is what I did to my father. I knocked him unconscious and threw him into a portal. He’ll never bother us again.” 

“Fuck,” Alec breathed. “Are you okay?” 

Magnus opened his mouth to say something, started, and then stopped. “I don’t know. I think so? I feel, now? Relieved. He’s not there, constantly lurking over my shoulder. He can’t get to you, or us.” 

Alec nodded, resuming his petting of Magnus’ back in long, low sweeps. “You’re right. He can’t. You saved us both.” He smiled against Magnus’ temple. “Undoing my stupid fucking mistake as it were.” 

“Your mistake,” Magnus said, relaxing again under the firm press of Alec’s hand. “Right or wrong, did get me my magic back, and got us where we are today. Don’t regret it too much.” 

“I regret what it put you through,” Alec whispered. “Not where we ended up.” He took another deep breath. “You told me earlier, you cried after that?” 

Magnus sighed and nodded, leaning up to kiss Alec, losing himself in the soft kiss for as long as he could stand before he focused on his shadowhunter again. 

“I did,” Magnus admitted quietly. “Once the anger was gone, I was left with nothing but the knowledge of what I’d ruined, and how close I had come to losing you. But I wasn’t about to let it be forever.” 

Alec sucked in a hard breath, closing his eyes, remembering how Magnus had appeared behind him in Alicante, simultaneously a torture and a delight all at once. 

“Now,” Magnus said, his voice soft. “As soon as I heard about the attack on Alicante, and that you were there, I planned to tear down the wards myself if it meant getting to you. That wasn’t necessary.” 

Alec swallowed hard and shifted his eyes to the ceiling. “I hadn’t slept,” he whispered. “If I stopped for even, for even a moment, if I wasn’t busy, I couldn’t…” he took another deep breath and shuddered. “I couldn’t go back in my room. Not when-” Alec cut himself off and wiped frantically at his eyes. 

“By the time we got to Alicante, tracking Jonathan, I was grateful for anything that took me away from the Institute,” he added. “At that point, I’d even considered staying in Alicante, because I wasn’t sure, I wasn’t sure I could go back.” 

Magnus took a deep breath and turned, leaning up to kiss Alec again, wiping away the tear trailing down his cheeks. “We’re all right, my darling.” 

“I know,” Alec whispered, keeping his eyes locked on the ceiling. “That day, I don’t, I don’t like thinking about it.” 

“I can understand why,” Magnus said, a small chuckle escaping. “It’s not one of my favorites either. I thought I’d never see you again, remember?” 

“Yeah, I remember.” 

Alec let the silence between them stretch for several minutes, breathing, reminding himself that they were here, safe in Magnus’ loft, their loft, happily married. “When the rift was opened,” Alec started, his throat working as he tried to find the right words. “Part of me was glad.” 

“Glad?” Magnus forced himself to ask. Dread settled deep into his stomach. “Do I want to know why?” 

“No, probably not,” Alec said. “Rather like you didn’t want me to know about what you asked Brother Zachariah to do.” 

Magnus huffed. “But I still told you.” 

Alec nodded and opened his eyes, looking at the ceiling again. “It was the first time in my life I had the conscious thought that I would not mind laying down my life for my sister that night. Or for someone else. There was nothing, no one left for me, I’d destroyed it all, so going down in a blaze of glory? There are worse deaths for a Shadowhunter.”

Magnus sucked in a pained breath. “Alexander.” That was why he’d found Alec and Isabelle alone on the stairs, facing down a dozen wraith demons. 

“I know,” Alec said, hanging his head in shame as he gave Magnus another brief hug. “I’m sorry.” 

“I’m just glad I got there in time,” Magnus whispered, leaning up to press a kiss to the deflect rune. “I don’t doubt your aim, but that was a few too many, even for you.” 

Alec hummed. “I remembered seeing you, and, it was like, my heart didn’t know what to feel first, so it felt everything, all at once.” He chuckled and tugged at Magnus’ shirt enough to expose his lower back, pressing his hand to the soft skin, helping to ground him in the moment. 

“I felt the same way. Relief, fear, happiness, sadness, elation, you name it, I felt it in that moment, seeing you again,” Magnus breathed out against Alec’s neck. “I never wanted to let you go.” 

“Still managed to make a sassy comment though,” Alec said, a chuckle escaping. “Wasn’t it something about traffic?” 

Magnus smiled, despite himself. “Yeah. Apologized for being late, said the traffic was hell.” 

Alec groaned. “Horrible.” 

“I know,” Magnus said, leaning into Alec again. “Then you dragged me into the Institute. Or rather, Izzy did, because you couldn’t look at me.” 

“Yeah, because,” Alec swallowed, blinking hard. “There you were, saving us, saving  _ me _ again. And after I’d, everything that had happened, I had to make you leave, because if I didn’t, I was never going to let you go, and I couldn’t afford to let you lose your magic again.” 

Magnus smiled, shifting so he could kiss Alec, soft and slow. “Now that I knew what you were doing and why, I could see how scared and hurt you were. I think I fell in love with you all over again watching you try to save me.” 

Alec laughed, rubbing at his eyes. “Thankfully you put me out of my misery almost immediately. Which was a damn good thing because I wasn’t going to be strong enough to send you away again. Not if you tried to stay.” 

“I had to tell you,” Magnus said, keeping his voice soft. “I had to hope that I could get you back, that you still wanted me to wear the Lightwood ring I had in my pocket.” 

A small smile escaped Alec and he exhaled hard. “Fuck, that moment, where you interrupted me and blurted it out, do you know what I thought of?” 

Magnus tilted his head and stared up at Alec. “Tell me.” 

“The moment you ran around the corner to stop my wedding,” Alec whispered. “It was the same thing. Time stopped, for me. Somehow, some way, you had managed to slam another door open and stop me from making another mistake. You rescued me all over again from my own mistakes.” 

Magnus smiled and leaned in for another kiss, this one slow and soft from Alec. “We all need rescuing sometimes, Alexander.” 

“I know,” Alec whispered against Magnus’ lips, kissing him again. “I’m really glad that you’re the one who decided to rescue me.” 

“Me too,” Magnus said, humming softly into the kiss. “Especially when you kissed me. I knew everything was going to be okay when you pulled me in and kissed me like-” 

“Like I’d been wanting to for days, like I wanted to mend both our broken hearts, like I wanted to remind you just how much I loved you?” Alec supplied, his fingertips stroking the bare skin of Magnus’ lower back. 

“All of the above,” Magnus said. “Pulled me in and kissed me like a dying man,” he teased. 

“And then…” Alec trailed off, remembering the look on Magnus’ face, on Izzy’s, on Jace’s. The horror of watching Alicante fall, bit by bit. Under siege from demons that would never stop. 

Magnus sighed, closing his eyes as he nuzzled Alexander’s chest again. “My first thought was how many warlocks we’d need to close the rift. It would have taken at least ten of us, to do it from this side. And that’s if we weren’t being attacked while we did it.” 

Alec sucked in a hard breath, clenching his eyes shut. 

“And then I thought,” Magnus whispered. “About closing it from the other side. With my father trapped in limbo, his power in Edom would come to one person, and one person only. Me. And with that much power…” he trailed off. “I knew I could probably close the rift. Save all of you.”

Magnus paused, and then corrected himself. “Save  _ you _ . Because as much as I could pretend it was about saving all of you, Alicante, it was really just about saving  _ you _ , Alexander.” 

“I hated you for being right,” Alec whispered. “I hated you for arguing to protect everyone, everything, at the sacrifice of yourself, and I’d only just gotten you back, and I couldn’t, I wasn’t about to lose you again.” 

Magnus smiled. “I know.” 

Alec took another deep breath and let out a wet exhale, tears escaping again. “I had to make sure you knew. If you were, if you were going to go to Edom, I couldn’t let you go doubting us, doubting me, and how much I loved you, how much I needed you.” 

“I know, Alexander,” Magnus reassured. “I don’t think you were expecting me to have the Lightwood ring, though.” 

“No,” Alec chuckled and wiped at his eyes with his free hand again. “No, I was not expecting you to hold out the family ring. That somehow you figured out what I had planned, had wanted it too, and had gotten it back from my mother.” 

Magnus smiled and reached up, brushing some of Alec’s hair away from his face, trailing his fingertips down his cheekbones. “I have to admit,” he said softly. “As much as I would have loved to hear your proposal, and as much as I still want to hear it, getting the chance to ask you, was…” he trailed off and cleared his throat, meeting Alexander’s eyes. “I’d waited my entire life to have that moment. With  _ you. _ ” 

Alec laughed even though it hurt his heart to do it and leaned into Magnus’ hand. He smiled and took another deep breath. “Putting the ring on?” he whispered. “I think that’s the most  _ right _ I’ve ever felt in my life. That that is exactly where I was supposed to be. What I was supposed to be doing. Who I was with.” 

Magnus smiled and nodded against Alec’s neck. “I felt the same way when you put the ring on me. I, fuck, it felt like, despite everything, I’d come  _ home _ . You were, you are, my home, Alexander.” 

“And then…” Alec swallowed hard. “And then you had to leave,” he whispered. 

Magnus sighed. “Do you know the only thing I regretted?” 

“Mmm?” 

“That I didn’t kiss you again.” He tangled his fingers in Alec’s shirt, glad when Alec pulled him in a bit tighter. “I thought I’d never see you again and I didn’t…” 

Alec shifted easily, leaning down to kiss Magnus, reminding him of exactly where they were and the fact that they could kiss any time that they wanted now. When they broke apart a few minutes later, panting quietly against each other’s lips, he smiled and took another deep breath. 

Magnus closed his eyes and licked his lips before continuing. “I didn’t, despite what you said, that it was only Edom, I knew I wasn’t coming back. That it was a one way trip. And I’d go and…” he swallowed. “I’d at least know that you loved me, and that would have to tide me over for, for as long as I was alive there.” 

“You told me once,” Alec breathed out. “That I would blow up the very ground I stood on to make something right.” 

Magnus blinked, the change in topic surprising him. “I did, yes.” 

“Did you really think that, knowing that about me, that I would not come after you, in Edom? That I would not do anything and everything in my power to get you back?” 

Magnus blew out a hard breath. “That kind of hope was dangerous to have. Did I hope? Of course I did. But I also knew I had to be realistic - I couldn’t leave with the Rift open.” 

Alec hummed, shifting to look at the ceiling again. 

“What are you thinking?” Magnus asked, pressing his ear to Alec’s heart once again. 

“I blackmailed Lorenzo,” Alec offered. He felt Magnus jolt in surprise in his arms. “I threatened to release the security footage of you fixing the ley lines to the warlock community to prove he’d lied. Asking him to help hadn’t worked, so, I blackmailed him.” 

Magnus couldn’t help a smile. “He may have deserved that.” 

“I got Meliorn by telling him that we were going to rescue Isabelle as well as you. There’s very little he would not do for her,” Alec continued. He breathed out. “I refused to let anyone even mention mourning you, because you weren’t gone!” 

Magnus grew quiet and listened to Alexander’s heart as it sped up. 

“When we found out that Lilith was amassing an army, I knew I was out of time. I’d been researching, trying to find a way I could go, but I hadn’t…” Alec took a deep breath. “So when I heard about Lilith, I did the first thing that made sense.” 

Magnus tilted his head, looking up at Alec again. “Which was?” 

Alec kept his eyes on the ceiling, lost in the memory. It had been such an easy decision then, and it still felt easy. “I demanded that Simon bite me, and turn me. So I could go to Edom. Fight beside you.” 

“You what?!” Magnus growled, sitting up, grabbing Alec’s chin to force the shadowhunter to look at him. 

Alec met Magnus’ eyes with a raised eyebrow. “I was not going to let you fight Lilith alone. I told you that.” 

“Alexander, you would have had to give up everything, your life, your home, your-” 

“You mean, everything you gave up? In order to make me happy? To keep Jace alive?” Alec interrupted, smiling faintly. 

Magnus snapped his mouth shut and glared at his shadowhunter. “You had better not still be considering it,” he growled. 

Alec hummed and shrugged. “It has its perks,” he offered. “Forever with you, being the first, and biggest one.” 

Magnus sighed, the anger draining out of him as he grumpily resettled against Alec. “That’s a horrible reason to become a vampire.” 

“Actually,” Alec chuckled. “It’s the best reason. Horrible reasons would include that mundane movie Simon and Clary hate so much.” 

Magnus smiled despite himself. “Now, that, I agree with.” 

“The easiest way would be the Alliance Rune, though. I’d have to reapply it daily, but that isn’t horrible, I do that with most of my runes anyways,” Alec said, continuing on. 

Magnus blinked. “What?” 

“The rune Clary created so we could go to Edom,” Alec said, focusing on Magnus again. “The one that lets us share each other’s powers. Granted, when I had Lorenzo’s, I wasn’t able to use my stele, which was terrifying in Edom. But Izzy and I both think it’d be different if I was sharing the rune with you-” 

Magnus reached up and pressed a finger to Alec’s lips, his mind racing wildly. “Brief sidebar before we talk about Edom. The Alliance Rune would be the easiest  _ what _ ?” 

“Oh!” Alec smiled and pressed a kiss to Magnus’ finger. “She’s not sure, but according to her, it made sense that whoever you share the rune with, certain characteristics are shared. Jace couldn’t lie when he was tied to Meliorn, I could use magic-” 

“And she thinks lifespan is included?” Magnus asked, staring at Alec. 

“Mmmhmm,” Alec hummed. “Izzy said she’d need to run a bunch of blood tests to confirm, but from the tests Clary has done while runed to Simon, it looked like that was the case.” 

Magnus dropped his hand to Alec’s chest, his heart pounding. “Alexander, this is not something you can do or even think about lightly. You-” 

“Magnus,” Alec sighed and stared down at him. “Sometimes I really, passionately hate all of the people you were with before me.” 

It was rare that Magnus felt so off-kilter in a conversation. He frowned at Alec. “What? Why?” 

Alec shifted enough so he could cup Magnus’ chin in his hand and smiled at him. “Because they have left you with the impression that you are not worth sacrifice.” His face fell and he sighed. “Hell, even I’m guilty of it. Early on, I damn near threw it in your face. That I wouldn’t give up my life for you, that you weren’t worth that.”

Magnus shook his head. “I’m not.” 

“Magnus Lightwood-Bane,” Alec growled. “You  _ are _ .” He shut his eyes briefly before opening them again, refusing to let Magnus look away from him. “You weren’t the only one who knew that Edom was a one-way ticket.” 

Magnus stared at Alec. 

“I meant it,” Alec whispered, his voice fierce. “I know we’re skipping ahead, but I need you to hear this, to  _ understand _ it, Magnus.” He took a deep breath. “I  _ meant _ it when I said I was staying in Edom with you. I  _ meant _ it when I said I was never leaving you again.” 

When Magnus didn’t respond, or say anything, Alec kept talking. 

“Before we left, I gave Underhill the paperwork to transfer Head of the Institute duties to either Izzy if we managed to get her back, or to himself.” Another breath, slow and measured as he stared at Magnus, willing him to understand, to  _ believe _ him. “I knew I wasn’t going to be coming back.” 

“Alexander…” 

Alec sucked in a harsh breath and shook his head. “No, no, you have to  _ understand _ . I told you, remember? I can’t live without you. I’m not  _ willing _ to.” He met Magnus’ eyes and smiled faintly. “You, Magnus Lightwood-Bane, are the most important person in my life. More than Jace, more than Izzy.” When Magnus’ eyes widened in surprise, he frowned. “Magnus?” 

Magnus swallowed hard and shook his head, hiding his face in Alec’s neck, clenching his eyes shut. 

Alec’s heart broke a little and he tightened his arms around Magnus, breathing out hard. “Did you not…” he trailed off. “Magnus, do you think that I’d put either of them before you?” 

“I…” Magnus trailed off and sighed. “They’re your parabatai and sister, Alexander.” 

“And you are my husband!” Alec growled. “Izzy will always be my sister, and Jace will always be my parabatai, but Magnus,” he shifted and gave Magnus a small push so their eyes could meet again. 

“You own my heart. You are my husband,” his breath caught on the word and he smiled, because it still felt so gloriously  _ new _ , even now. “And that means you are my priority. Everything comes second to you. Because you taught me,” Alec paused, staring at him, willing Magnus to understand, to  _ believe _ him, dammit. “That it is okay to be Alexander first. Before being a shadowhunter, a head of the institute, a parabatai, any of that. And I realized something else.” 

When Magnus still didn’t say anything, Alec swallowed hard and continued, tentatively. “I’d pick you.” 

Magnus blinked, tilting his head. “What do you mean?” 

“If I had to make the impossible choice,” Alec said, his voice soft. “If I could only,” he watched Magnus’ eyes widen in recognition. “If I could only save one of you. It would be you, Magnus.” 

“Alexander, that’s-” 

“Magnus,” Alec interrupted, cutting him off. “Jace would pick Clary over me. Izzy would demand I pick you. Do you really not believe me?” 

Magnus closed his eyes and sighed, leaning in against Alec again. “I hope you never stop surprising me, Alexander.” 

Alec relaxed and reached up, rubbing his hand up and down Magnus’ back, being gentle and careful with him. “I will do my best to make sure I am always surprising you.” 

Magnus exhaled hard. He was  _ tired _ . Talking this long, about everything, was exhausting, and he wanted nothing more than to curl up with Alexander and nap, then take their time taking each other apart later. But they were almost done. 

“After I went to Edom,” Magnus started, exhaling hard. “Lilith came to me, trying to get me to open the rift long enough for her to slip through. I didn’t buy it, of course, but that’s what made her decide to attack me.” 

Alec shuddered and swallowed hard. “I should have gone with you.” 

Magnus frowned and shook his head. “No, I had to go. It’s all right. The second I was gone, I…” he looked down at the ring on his finger and rubbed a thumb over it. “I had your ring. I had the feeling of you putting the ring on my finger. I had the knowledge you still loved me. It wasn’t…” 

Alec hugged Magnus tighter, slipping a hand under his shirt to press at his bare skin, a reminder that he was here. That Magnus wasn’t alone. 

“It wasn’t enough, but it had to be,” Magnus whispered, sighing again. “Closing the rift was the most difficult and also easiest thing I had ever done. I channeled all my anger, my fear, into my power and was able to close it. Keep you safe.” 

Magnus closed his eyes, remembering the burning touch of Edom on his skin. “I hate Edom. But knowing that it was the reason I would never see you again?” A harsh laugh left him. “Let’s just say, it was easy to get rid of any of my father’s remaining lackeys. Lilith was the only one who could stand a chance, and she knew it.” 

A shudder went through him and he held onto Alec tighter. “I couldn’t let myself hope that you would come for me, but even then, I heard your voice around every corner. My personal torture.” 

“So that’s why you didn’t turn around until I hit the doorway,” Alec whispered. “I figured you could hear me…” 

“But I’d been hearing you for days,” Magnus said. “I didn’t think this any different until I heard you hit the top of the stairs.” 

Alec nodded, giving Magnus another brief squeeze. “When you left,” he paused and considered. “When you saved Alicante, Magnus, and you alone were responsible, a lot of things happened all at once. Hell,” he managed with a laugh. “It’s probably still getting sorted, considering we got married, and then went on our honeymoon when we got back.” 

“Like what?” Magnus asked, tilting his head to look up at Alec. 

Alec took a slow, deep breath. “I went to Consul Penhallow and told them all what you did. I was angry, furious. Izzy told me she’d never seen me like that before.” He felt Magnus tense on top of him and continued, smiling faintly. “I told them that they owe you a debt that they would never repay. That Alicante would owe a debt of gratitude to a warlock for as long as it stood.” 

“I’m sure that went over wonderfully,” Magnus drawled, unable to help a chuckle. “What did they say to that?” 

“Well,” Alec paused, clearing his throat. “I said one way they could start to repay that debt was to allow Downworld representatives into Alicante, and to begin a rewrite of the Accords.” 

Magnus blinked and shifted to stare at Alec. “You...what? The Clave is rewriting the Accords?” 

“No, no,” Alec said vehemently, shaking his head. “I, I told them they should rewrite it,  _ together _ with Downworlders. Make Institutes start working with their local Downworlder populations properly.” 

Magnus felt his mouth go dry. “You…” 

Alec tightened his arms around Magnus. “You sacrificed yourself to save them all. At the very least, your sacrifice could mean making things better for everyone until I could get to you.” He took a deep breath. “I took every book they had in Alicante I could get my hands on that was about Edom. I poured through it all, trying to find a way to get to you.” 

Magnus went quiet, staring up at Alec, at the way his voice started to shake. “What else happened?” 

“The other Institutes heard what you did, and so did the downworld. Because you saved more than Idris that night and they all knew it,” Alec added, shaking his head. “Then we had to deal with Izzy and what was happening to her, with the Heavenly Fire. And then…” It was easy to remember the sleepless nights in Magnus’ loft, missing him like a limb, but searching until he could find an answer. 

“I made plans,” Alec continued. “I researched, and searched, and then, when it finally came to it, bribed, begged and demanded my way into going to Edom, and I had every intention of staying with you after we defeated Lilith.” A small huff left him. “Every King needs a consort, right?” 

A noise escaped his throat that he didn’t mean to let free and Magnus poked Alec in the chest, hard. “I was not a King.” 

Alec hummed and rubbed at Magnus’ back again. “You could have been if you wanted to be. I know that much.” 

Magnus didn’t disagree with the point. The echo of his Father saying that his magic was Imperial rang in his mind and he snuggled into Alec more. 

“By the time we went to Edom…” Alec blew out a hard breath. “I was praying to every deity there was that you would still be in one piece. That we weren’t too late. And when I could barely control my magic…” he shook his head. 

“What kept you anchored?” Magnus asked. Lorenzo had mentioned that Alec had struggled with control, which wasn’t surprising with everything that had been going on. 

Alec held up his hand, looking at his copy of the Lightwood ring with a smile. “Your ring. The one you created, the one you gave to me. As long as I was wearing it, I could, you know, focus on you.” 

Magnus reached out and carefully took Alec’s hand in his, lifting it up to his mouth to press a kiss to the back of his hand, and then the ring itself. “I am glad it kept you safe and brought you to me.” 

“Me too,” Alec whispered, shifting his hand to tangle their fingers together. “I remember charging up the stairs of the tower, I didn’t listen to Lorenzo, or Clary or Simon. All I could think about was getting to you.” 

Magnus nodded. “I didn’t...my imagination didn’t do you justice. When you called my name, really called my name, it sounded so different. Desperate,  _ real _ . I hated it, because you weren’t. I thought you weren’t.” 

“I didn’t,” Alec choked on a laugh, bringing Magnus’ hand up to kiss, just like Magnus had done to him. “I didn’t know what to make of your reaction at first. You looked  _ horrified _ .” 

“Because I  _ was _ ,” Magnus whispered. “I thought somehow you’d gotten trapped there with me. That I’d failed you. But then you were running towards me, and nothing mattered but being in your arms again.” 

Alec sighed in relief, remembering how it had felt to wrap Magnus in his arms, how they hadn’t been able to stop touching each other, desperate to have every moment they could together. 

“I told you,” Alec whispered. “I meant it then, and was certain. I was prepared to walk into Edom and stay there, with you. None of them knew, but I wasn’t planning on leaving.” 

Magnus nodded and shifted, wrapping his arms around Alec’s shoulders. “I still say that was an incredibly foolish decision.” 

Alec shrugged and pressed a kiss to Magnus’ forehead. “We both made it home.  _ Safe _ .” 

“We did,” Magnus agreed, breathing out slowly. “We defeated Lilith, Edom was destroyed…” He’d absorbed a good portion of the powers from the realm before it fell. “And we came  _ home _ .” 

Alec hummed happily, sliding one hand down Magnus’ back again and over the curve of his ass to give a gentle squeeze, feeling Magnus smile as he did. “That was the first time I’d slept properly in, well. Since everything we talked about happened.” 

Magnus breathed out slowly, savoring the silence for another long moment. “Did I ever thank you for coming for me? In Edom?” 

Alec turned his attention back to Magnus. “Huh? Why would you need to thank me?” 

“You rescued me,” Magnus whispered. 

“Magnus,” Alec murmured, shifting so he could lift Magnus’ chin, forcing the warlock to look at him. “You’ve been rescuing me from my bad decisions and bad choices since the day we met. This is just me attempting to return the favor.” 

“Technically,” Magnus drawled. “You rescued me first.  _ Twice _ . So, we’re even?” 

Alec laughed and pulled Magnus in for a soft kiss. “I think it just means we’re destined to rescue each other from our own demons.” 

Magnus hummed into the kiss, sliding his fingers under Alec’s shirt, pushing it up slowly. “I can live with that, Alexander.” 

Alec grinned, helping Magnus get his shirt off before tugging him in close again, kissing him insistently until they parted to catch their breath. “Yeah? Maybe even for forever?” 

Magnus’ answering grin and desperate kiss was all the answer Alec needed. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does something feel like it might be missing...? 
> 
> Well, I can tell you there is an epilogue! 
> 
> To be posted tomorrow!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The missing piece!

Alec blinked his eyes slowly, glaring at the sunlight streaming in through the windows, because dammit he had wanted to sleep for at least another hour or two. He bit down a yawn and settled into the pillow again and turned his attention to Magnus, still sleeping peacefully beside him. His heart thumped painfully. As much as he might hate mornings, it was worth it to see how beautiful his husband looked drenched in sunlight. 

He reached out and pushed some of Magnus’ hair off of his face, tracing his fingertips down the line of his cheekbone, to his jaw, to his lips. He still felt scraped out and raw from yesterday, and he knew that no matter how well they had both slept, Magnus was going to be feeling a bit of the same. 

Alec leaned in and pressed a kiss to Magnus’ forehead, watching his nose crinkle before he settled in again, his body going lax under golden sheets. However, he had a plan to help with that feeling before they both went back to work tomorrow and had to face the real world. 

A quick detour into Magnus’ apothecary, grabbing a pen and paper to leave a note in case Magnus woke up, Alec got dressed and headed out, intent on breakfast for the both of them. He hummed as he made his way around the corner, checking his phone. It looked like he would be just in time to miss the morning rush. 

~!~ 

Magnus didn’t bother opening his eyes when his mind finally crawled out of the lovely dream he was having. He reached out for Alec and frowned when his hand hit empty sheets. He cracked one eye open when he saw the bed was empty, and his frown deepened when a quick pulse of magic told him that Alexander wasn’t even in the loft anymore. 

He flopped onto his back and groaned, debating if it was worth getting up when he moved his arm and the sound of crinkling paper hit him. Magnus lifted his arm and peeled off the piece of paper that had apparently been waiting on Alec’s pillow. And even though his husband was quite annoyingly not  _ here _ , it was sweet of him to have left a handwritten note. 

Magnus tilted the note towards him and read it once, twice, and then melted into the pillows with a happy groan, smiling to himself despite it. 

_ Mi amor, _

_ We are having breakfast in bed, and are not leaving bed until at least noon. I went to get coffee and croissants from Andre’s. Be back before you wake up, I hope.  _

_ ~Your Alexander _

Magnus closed his eyes and smiled, pressing the note to his chest as he relaxed back into the pillows. He wasn’t sure if he dozed off again, but the next thing he heard was Alexander padding quietly into the bedroom again and the smell of Andre’s fresh coffee. His eyes snapped open and he grinned as he watched Alec strip his shirt, pants, then boxers off, depositing them in a pile beside the bed. 

“Sorry that took so long,” Alec muttered, sliding back into the blankets with a happy groan, looking over at Magnus as he offered him his coffee from where he’d put it on the bedside table. “Thought I missed the morning rush. I was wrong.” 

Magnus hummed happily and took a sip of his coffee, before putting it on the bedside table. He reached out and tugged Alexander towards him. “Come here. I want wake up kisses.” 

Alec chuckled and put his own coffee on his table and curled in closer to Magnus, wrapping an arm around his waist. Magnus was sleep warm and pliant, and their kiss was slow, building between them like a quiet wave. It would have been easy to let it go further, to grow between them, but he had a plan. Alec gentled the kiss and then pressed another soft one to Magnus’ cheek. 

Magnus huffed and opened his eyes again, squinting at Alec. “You going to deny me sleepy morning sex  _ too _ ?” 

Alec shook his head and kissed Magnus’ forehead. “I would deny you nothing, love,” he whispered, reaching up to rub a thumb along Magnus’ jaw, pulling him in for a kiss. “Just a slight delay.” 

“Why?” Magnus pouted. 

Alec smiled and settled in so he was laying next to Magnus, reaching out to wrap an arm around his waist. “I have my reasons,” he said, clearing his throat. He took a deep breath and ignored the curious look from Magnus. “So, I have to edit the original one a little bit. But, here’s how it went.” 

Magnus blinked in confusion, staring at Alec. “What-” 

Alec cleared his throat. “I thought a lot about how I wanted to do this. When I wanted to.” He flushed and looked at Magnus. “I couldn’t exactly whisk you away to Paris for a weekend, and propose there.” 

Magnus’ mouth dropped open and he stared at Alexander, realizing what he was listening to. “ _ Oh _ ,” he whispered. 

“So I decided,” Alec continued, giving Magnus a brief grin. “That the best way to propose to you would be to, uh, well, show you a piece of the life I wanted with you. Whether that was a romantic dinner after a tough week,” he plowed through the flash of pain in Magnus’ eyes and kept going. “Or with breakfast in bed, when we have the morning to ourselves, and you can steal pieces of my banana bread, and I can pretend I didn’t buy you an extra croissant because you never like buying two for yourself.” 

Magnus laughed, glancing at the pastry bag over Alec’s shoulder before bringing his eyes back to his husband. 

Alec smiled and gave Magnus a small squeeze around the waist. “So now that you know why I picked this moment, let me do this properly.” 

Magnus grinned back at Alec and nodded in mock solemnity. 

Alec took another deep breath. “When, I uh,” he blushed, his ears starting to go red. “When I looked up proposals, stuff to say, there was always so much about what one person gives another. How they make their life better.” 

Alec gathered his thoughts for a moment before continuing. “And while you have given me so much, Magnus - love, courage, happiness, I want to, uh, tell you something else. I want to tell you what you make me  _ feel _ . Because I want you to understand that, that you changed me for the better in so many ways, and you made me be unafraid to be myself for the first time in my life.” 

Magnus blinked hard and coughed, smiling at Alexander. He was not going to cry. He was not. He would not. No matter how perfect a proposal this was. 

“Before I met you, I was afraid, all of the time,” Alec admitted. “And after I met you, the fear got worse, at first, because you were able to see what I was hiding so easily, did that mean everyone else could too?” He smiled faintly. “But that was just you and knowing what I needed before I did.” 

Alec took another deep breath. “The more I got to know you, the more I looked at you, someone so  _ unapologetically  _ themselves, I started to feel brave. That maybe, if, if you could do it? If you could be a High Warlock and be yourself, why, why couldn’t I do the same?” 

Magnus tilted his face into the pillow for a brief second, struggling for control before he turned to Alec again, who was waiting for him with a soft smile on his face. 

“When you walked in the door of my wedding to Lydia, all I felt was relief. Then joy. Then hope.” He shifted and leaned their foreheads together, exhaling softly. “Do you know,” he whispered, meeting Magnus’ eyes. “When I kissed you? I knew I never wanted to kiss anyone else for the rest of my life.” 

Magnus huffed. “Alexander, don’t be silly.” 

“I’m not,” Alec said, smiling. “I’m serious. Kissing you, like that, felt like coming home, to a home I hadn’t even known existed. Why do you think…” he paused, biting down on his lip before looking at Magnus again, his cheeks darkening. 

“The night of our first date?” Alec offered. “We, we had that stupid argument. And I nearly walked out?” 

“I remember,” Magnus said, staring at Alec with a raised eyebrow. 

“I asked myself,” Alec went on. “I asked myself if I was really going to let that conversation keep me from being with the person who made me feel the most  _ myself _ out of anyone in my life. Who kissed me like, like I  _ meant _ something.” 

Magnus sucked in a quiet breath, his eyes widening as he stared at Alec. 

Alec gave a faint smile. “Obviously you know how that turned out.” He winked at Magnus and leaned in for a kiss, their lips sliding together with practiced ease until he pulled back, watching Magnus’ eyes flutter open, golden cats eyes meeting his. 

“Every time I kiss you,” Alec whispered, shifting so he could move his hand and cup Magnus’ face, smiling at him. “I feel  _ right. _ That I am where I am supposed to be in my life. What we described when we exchanged rings, Magnus? I feel that every time I kiss you. Every time you smile at me.” 

He chuckled and kissed Magnus on the nose. “Why do you think I’m caught off-guard whenever you’re jealous? I know, I know, you don’t  _ get _ jealous,” Alec cut Magnus off with another smile. “But Magnus, why would I ever look at someone else, or even think about someone else, when I have you? You put them all to shame.” 

Magnus laughed, even though it sounded choked and he definitely wasn’t fighting back tears. “Damn right I do.” 

“You are everything I could ever want, and more. I dreamed of someday loving someone the way I do you, feeling the way I do about you, and to have you love me back?” Alec took a shaky breath and offered Magnus a shy smile. “I don’t have words for what that makes me feel.” 

A tear escaped against his will and Magnus swiped angrily at his eyes, pouting at Alec. “Fuck you, Alexander,” he whispered, without heat. “Making me cry.” 

Alec laughed. “If I’m not making you cry with my proposal I’m not doing my job.” 

Magnus huffed and wiped at his eyes again. 

“When we fight,” Alec went on after Magnus took a second to collect himself. In an instant, golden eyes were snapped to his. “I feel hopeless. I’m terrified. Because you have given me this incredibly precious gift…” he pressed his hand to Magnus’ heart, savoring the feel of it beating steadily against his hand. “And I want to do everything in my power to protect it. I  _ will _ do everything in my power to protect it.” 

Magnus swallowed and reached out, tangling his fingers in Alec’s hair, pulling him in close for another kiss. He wasn’t going to survive the rest of this, if Alec kept going. 

Alec felt his face go red again, but cleared his throat. “When I, uh, we, uh,” he coughed and looked up, meeting Magnus’ eyes. “When I make love with you, Magnus-” 

“You’re going to kill me,” Magnus muttered. Fuck, he was blushing. Alexander was the one who blushed, not  _ him _ . 

Alec grinned. “Only little deaths, as you are so fond of telling me.” When Magnus groaned, he decided that was permission to continue. “But as I was saying. Despite our rather vast differences in experience-” he kissed away the momentary scowl on Magnus’ face. “I never felt...lesser, or like I am not good enough for you. I love every moment of learning you, and learning to be with you, and it always makes me feel good, no matter what we do.” 

Magnus swallowed and groaned. He could still feel the blush on his cheeks. “I just spent the last three weeks thoroughly debauching you, I should  _ not _ be blushing,” he growled. 

“Don’t worry,” Alec whispered, kissing Magnus again. “You can spend today doing that too. I’m almost done.” 

“Almost?” Magnus did, did definitely  _ not _ squeak. Nope. 

“Almost,” Alec confirmed, shifting to stare straight into Magnus’ eyes again. “I never thought I would find someone who makes me feel the way you do,” Alec said, licking his lips nervously. “I never thought I  _ could _ feel the way I do around you. I used to think emotions were something that got in the way, that drove people to make illogical decisions and should be strictly controlled. And then…”

Alec gave Magnus a hopeless smile and stared at him, grinning. “And then I fell in love with you. It was the easiest thing in the world, both gradual and damn near instant. You got under my skin, you became the voice in the back of my head, you made me realize that everything I feel for you isn’t bad or wrong, it just... _ is _ .” 

Magnus sucked in a hard breath, his eyes tearing up again as he blinked hard. 

“Being in love with you?” Alec whispered. “Loving you? Feeling the way I do about you?” He laughed. “I finally understood why people would go to war for love, would fight until their last breath, and would go against all logic and reason for it. Because I would do all of that, without hesitation, for you.” 

He couldn’t look away from Alec, and his heart was pounding heavily and hard in his chest, ready to leap into Alexander’s waiting palms, but Alec was smiling at him like he was precious and something worth of loving, of protecting. 

“Magnus Bane,” Alec started, then paused, grinning a bit. “Magnus Lightwood-Bane,” he amended, winking at Magnus. “I have a question for you. Here’s the thing. I want to spend forever with you. Your forever, by the way, and I am going to do everything in my not-inconsiderable power to make that our reality.” Alec stole a soft kiss when he saw tears growing in Magnus’ eyes. 

“So,” he paused, the blush growing on his cheeks. “Will you marry me, and spend your forever with me?” 

Magnus pounced, pinning Alec back to the bed, kissing him a shade too desperate. Another embarrassing tear escaped before he could stop it, and Magnus pulled away, panting softly as he stared down at Alexander. Even though he knew it was foolish to hope, to want more, he’d seen Alec tear apart a world for him once, and maybe, just maybe, his husband could do it again. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Magnus whispered, more tears escaping as he leaned in to kiss Alec again. “I will spend my forever with you, Alec. As long as you will have me.” 

Alec smiled, reaching up to cup Magnus’ cheek, carefully brushing away his tears until their lips parted again. “I think forever might be  _ just _ long enough,” he whispered, swallowing Magnus’ answering laugh in another kiss. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....and there's going to be a second epilogue because I got the idea for something and now I have to write it....


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue #2 and the last one I have planned! This chapter comes as a result of a comment from a previous chapter - so, Colorful Warlock, thank you for the suggestion about the lock!

It wasn’t until almost two weeks later that they both managed to organize a full day off together, and Magnus knew that both he and Alec were more than ready to turn their phones off and ignore the world for a few hours. Tossing his phone onto the bed, he debated taking a scalding hot shower, or waiting until Alexander joined him. 

The sound of his phone going off again made him groan, but he checked it, because he was not about to let any emergency short of the end of the world keep them from having their day off tomorrow. Alexander’s name was attached to the notification and he relaxed, smiling as he swiped the message open. 

Alec [6:39:16]: Do you have any plans for tomorrow? 

Magnus grinned, settling back onto the bench in front of his vanity. 

Magnus [6:40:01]: Sleeping in with you, breakfast in bed with you, spending most of the day in bed with you? 

Alec [6:40:37]: Sounds perfect. Want to visit our lock, too? 

Magnus froze, staring at the message, horror filling his chest. He’d...they’d… He’d never told Alec what he’d done to their lock. That he’d _destroyed_ it. Sorrow filled him and he rubbed a hand over his face, groaning. How had he forgotten? What was Alec going to think of him? 

A sick feeling rose in Magnus’ stomach and he left his phone on the bed, striding into the living room, the sick feeling getting worse and worse as he paced across the floor. His magic snapped impatiently around his fingers and he knew it would be the work of moments to replace it, to pretend he had never destroyed it. 

But he would know. He would know, and it would eat him alive, the knowledge that he’d lied to Alec like that. Magnus exhaled hard and went to make himself a drink, the familiar motions calming him, even as he left the cocktail sitting on the cart before he sank into one of his armchairs. Alec had brought him the lock, and while he could probably find a duplicate, and carve the inscription into it, maybe there had been some sort of imperfection in the lock that Alec would have noticed. So he wwould realize it wasn’t the original and then he’d be even angrier than if he just  _ told _ him what he’d done…

Magnus pressed a hand to his face and tried not to groan again. What was he going to tell Alec? 

Of course, speak of the devil, and he shall appear. He felt the gentle pull on his wards and then Alexander was walking into the loft, and Magnus had to do his best to pretend that everything was okay. 

“Magnus!” Alec called. “You home?” 

Magnus jolted upright, plastering a smile on his face as he strode towards Alec. “I just arrived, what excellent timing on your part, Alexander.”

Alec’s face fell. “What’s wrong?” 

Magnus cursed to himself. He used to be a better actor than this. He did. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. How could they? He turned his head to the side and studied the wall, even as Alec moved towards him, his eyes worried. “Long day?” he offered. 

“That’s not your long day and need a drink face,” Alec said, his voice quiet as he reached out to tug Magnus closer by his forearms. “That is worryingly close to an expression I never wanted to see on your face again.” 

Magnus wanted to laugh, he did, but Alec was pulling him in closer and he couldn’t help nuzzling into Alec’s shoulder, relaxing into the scent of sandalwood on his skin. How angry was Alec going to be when he found out? 

“Magnus,” Alec whispered, pressing a kiss to his hair. “Tell me what’s wrong?” 

Magnus sighed and tightened his fingers in the button up shirt Alec was wearing, before relaxing them. It was dark blue, almost black. He’d bought it for Alec, and it looked good on him. “Do you,” he swallowed and took another deep breath. “Can we lay down first?” 

Alec nodded immediately. “Of course. Couch or bed?” 

“Couch,” Magnus said, glad when Alec moved them towards it, not hesitating to sprawl out in what had become one of their favorite positions now, Alec lying on the couch with Magnus sprawled on top of him. Magnus took another deep breath and sagged into the firm hold of Alec’s arms. 

“Better?” Alec asked, gently rubbing his hand up and down Magnus’ back. 

Magnus nodded and blew out a hard breath. He had to say it. He had to explain and, and, hope that Alexander wouldn’t be too angry. “Much,” he agreed, letting the silence stretch between them for a few minutes longer. 

Alec smiled and relaxed, keeping the gentle sweeping motions up and down Magnus’ back. “Whatever it is, you can tell me when you’re ready,” he whispered. “I’m here, and I’ll listen.” 

Magnus let himself relax into Alec’s arms, savoring the comforting touch, even though he knew he was only delaying the inevitable. He exhaled hard and stared at the wall across from the couch. “Do you remember…” he started, clearing his throat. 

Alec was instantly more alert, all of his attention focused on Magnus. “Remember?” 

“Two weeks ago. When we talked, talked about everything?” Magnus asked, glancing up at Alec. 

Alec nodded. “Of course I remember.” 

“Right,” Magnus said, mostly to himself, nodding. “I realized earlier I’d forgotten to tell you something, and…” he closed his eyes and sagged against Alec. “I should have. I shouldn’t have forgotten.” 

“ _ Hey _ ,” Alec whispered, tightening his arms around Magnus. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, I promise it’s okay. We’ll just talk about it, especially if it’s bothering you this badly.” 

Magnus couldn’t look up at Alexander. He took another deep breath, his whole chest moving with the inhale before he let it out. “I told you, how, after you broke up with me, I wandered the city?” 

Alec swallowed, pressing another kiss to the top of Magnus’ hair. “I remember,” he whispered.

“I forgot,” Magnus said, clenching his eyes shut. “After I’d gotten my powers back from my father, and I’d run? I ended up near the LOVE sign.” 

Alec gave a small, sharp inhale and he nodded, resuming his gentle petting of Magnus’ back, waiting for Magnus to continue. 

“Seeing the lock, being heartbroken, I…” Magnus swallowed down the embarrassing noise that wanted to escape. “I couldn’t stand the sight of the reminder that I’d lost you.” 

“You didn’t lose me,” Alec reminded Magnus quietly. “I’m right here. Don’t forget that.” 

Magnus clenched his hands in Alec’s shirt and forced the rest of the words out. “I took the lock off. And I…” he still remembered the angry surge of magic that had exploded from his hand. “I  _ destroyed _ it.” 

“Ah,” Alec said. “So that’s why you didn’t answer my text message.” 

Magnus lifted his head to stare at Alexander incredulously. “I tell you I destroyed our lock and that’s your reaction?” 

Alec smiled faintly, leaning in to press a kiss to Magnus’ forehead. “Magnus. It  _ is _ just a lock. I have you. You’re more important than something like that would ever be.” 

Magnus huffed and settled back against Alec’s chest, some of the fear and worry draining out of him. “You’re not angry?” 

“I’m not angry,” Alec confirmed. “However, I will insist on us visiting the sign tomorrow.” 

Magnus raised both of his eyebrows. “Oh?” 

“Yeah,” Alec whispered, shifting to lift one of Magnus’ hands to his lips, to the rune he knew was glamoured on the back of his hand, the one that mirrored the rune on his heart. “We’ll put a new one up. New beginnings, and a new life together.” 

Magnus let the glamour fade under Alec’s touch, the Alliance rune dark and permanent on his skin. He smiled and closed his eyes, nuzzling into Alec’s neck again. “I like that idea. Even have you help me make it this time.” 

Alec lit up. “Really? Because I have an idea!” 

Magnus relaxed, the last of the tension fading out of him. “Absolutely. Who am I to deny you when you’re all excited like that, pup?” 

Alec huffed and narrowed his eyes, reaching down to put his hands at Magnus’ waist. “What,” he growled, digging his fingers into Magnus’ sides. “Have I told you about trying to make pup a thing?” Alec didn’t hesitate in exploiting the ticklish spots he knew were there as Magnus burst out laughing, squirming violently in his arms. 

“Alexander!” Magnus shouted, trying to get away from Alec, even as his shadowhunter held him fast, fingers absolutely merciless. 

Alec tickled Magnus until they were both out of breath from laughing and fell back against the couch, grinning wide. “Pup is not a thing,” he murmured, closing his eyes as he relaxed against the couch. 

Magnus lifted his fingers, suddenly glowing with blue sparks and dug his hand into Alec’s side, just to watch him burst out laughing and thrash underneath him. “We’ll see about that!” 

~!~ 

Alec swung their hands idly as they walked around the corner to the LOVE sign, still full from the late lunch they’d managed to drag themselves out of bed for. Neither of them had bothered with a glamour, and the area appeared empty enough, which meant they could focus on what they needed to do. 

“You need to wear shirts like that more often,” Magnus said glancing over at Alec in the v-neck sweater. From this angle, he could even see the edges of the Alliance Rune over his heart, a permanent match to the one he was wearing openly on his hand at the moment. 

“You like that my deflect rune is on display,” Alec shot back, winking at Magnus, even as he pulled him closer towards the sign. “I’m not sure it has anything to do with the shirt at all.” 

Magnus grinned unrepentantly. “Maybe,” he allowed. 

Alec stopped in front of the heart and rolled his eyes, giving Magnus’ hand a squeeze. “So, uh, I’m assuming you’ll have to take the lead on this because I’m a little, uh,” he waved his fingers, sparks cascading into the palm of his hand. “New at this?” 

The sight of his magic on Alec’s fingers would never cease to amaze him and make him catch his breath as he stared. “Do you want to use the same type of lock?” 

Alec shook his head. “I picked the last one. You pick this one. I just want room for the inscription on it.” 

Magnus smiled and closed his eyes, his fingers twirling in the air for a moment before he found the lock he wanted and felt it fall into his palm, the heavy weight of it making him smile. He offered it up to Alexander for inspection. 

Alec brushed his thumbs over the gold, ornate details carved into the front, the small golden latch that hid the keyhole, and the flat, smooth back. He smiled at Magnus. “It’s perfect.” He leaned in for a kiss and held it between his hands, and then extended both his hands, holding the lock to Magnus. “Now, I can’t do the cool exhale thing you did yet, but can we do it a different way?” 

Magnus wrapped his hands around Alec’s, taking a quick moment to cast a glamour around them both before he looked up at Alec. “Yes. Now, deep breath. Reach out with your magic. Feel the lock?” 

Alec hummed and leaned in, pressing his forehead against Magnus’. “Yeah. And your magic, too.” 

“I’m here to help you do what you want,” Magnus whispered. “Now, picture what you want carved into the lock. Move your fingers if it feels natural to help direct the magic.” 

“Got it,” Alec whispered, picturing the rune that he wanted, twitching his fingers in the confines of Magnus’ hands. The lock grew hot under his hands, but after a few seconds, he was pretty sure he was done. “Done?” 

Magnus pulled his hands back and waited for Alec to reveal the lock to him. The love rune blazed up at him and he couldn’t help smiling. “Perfect,” he whispered. 

“Not yet,” Alec said, taking one of Magnus’ hands, pressing it to the lock. “I want, the words need to be on there. It has to be both of us.” 

Magnus’ eyes snapped to Alec and he met the certainty shining in his hazel eyes and pulled him into a kiss, losing himself in how much he felt for his shadowhunter. By the time he pulled back, the words Alec wanted were emblazoned on the back of the lock and he grinned down at them. 

Alec looked down at the lock and smiled. “Aku cinta kamu,” he whispered, offering the lock to Magnus. “Go ahead. Put it where you want.” 

Magnus pulled Alec down and into another kiss, tangling his fingers into the hair at the base of his neck, kissing him until they were both out of breath by the time they parted. “I love you too, Alexander.” He turned to the display and picked an open spot, grinning as he slotted the lock in place, giving it a firm pat, putting a small pulse of magic into it to protect it from rust. 

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus from behind and pulled him back against his chest, looking up at the lock. “Feel better now?” 

Magnus hummed. “Still wish I hadn’t destroyed the other.” 

“Think of it this way,” Alec whispered, pressing another kiss to Magnus’ neck, grazing his teeth along a tendon. “Some trees have to be burned down in order to pollinate. If they were never destroyed, new ones would never grow. The forest is stronger and better for it.” 

Magnus made a face and turned to look at Alec with a surprised expression. “That was a very specific, and accurate, analogy, Alexander.” 

Alec laughed. “I used to get very worried about forest fires around Idris when I was younger. So I did a lot of research.” 

“Of course you did,” Magnus said, reaching out to wrap his arms around Alec’s shoulders. “Time to go home?” 

Alec grinned and leaned in to steal another kiss. “Mmmhmm. I have plans that involve not letting you leave the bed for the rest of the afternoon.” 

Magnus gave a fake gasp, his eyes going dark with desire. “Why, Alexander. Those are my  _ favorite _ kind of plans.” 

Pushing Magnus back towards the portal that was shining next to them in the alley, Alec leaned in to whisper against Magnus’ lips. “I know. They’re my favorite too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAGNUS IS ABSOLUTELY TICKLISH AND NONE OF YOU WILL EVER CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE!
> 
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
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> 
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> 
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